The Dawn

 I sent my 13 year old to 7th grade, my 12 year old to 5th grade, my 11 year old to 4th grade, and my 4 year old to pre-k4. After 13 years of being a stay at home mom, It was my first year of freedom. It was a lovely school year. I took naps, sat down and watched TV, and got my house in tip top shape every.single. day. 

As magical as it was. There was something lacking for me. I spent the better part of the year mourning the passing of time that took my babies into toddlers, my toddlers into pre-schoolers, my preschoolers into school agers, and my school agers into teenagers. 

Really, I was sad. 

I spent many hours in prayer, begging God to help me find my place now. Suddenly stripped of the stage of being heavily needed by a small babe, I found myself searching for my place again. I was very comfortable nursing a baby, changing a diaper, and honestly, just being drained by small children. 

I felt alone. 

I made it through the school year, and as much as I enjoyed the quiet, I needed the loud that summer would bring.

We had an unforgettable summer. Camping, traveling, swimming, kayaking, and then repeat. 

As soon as it was over, I cringed as I bought school supplies for my soon to be 8th grader, 6th grader, 5th grader, and Kindergartener. 

I didn't want our summer to end.

Ironically, (God) earlier in the year, I started to read a book about homeschooling. and I quickly put the book down because it made me mad. Mad in the sense that it tugged on me and I didn't want it to. 

Excuse my human self. But don't try and make me do something that I don't wanna do, Ok??

Can I homeschool such a wide range of children?

No

Should I homeschool such a wide range of children. 

No

Will I homeschool such a wide range of children

Also, No

But, after lots of tugging from our second born, we dug deeper into this idea. We prayed. We talked. We invited our children in 1 by 1 to have a very deep conversation about what it would mean; and suddenly my heart began to soften. God began to open my eyes to what I was capable of. God reminded me that He wouldn't ask me to do this, and then leave me. 

Two days before school, I found myself un-enrolling my 4 without a plan in sight other than:

WE'RE DOING THIS

Hesitantly hopeful

Do you ever have seasons where you're rocking it so good, like- your kids brushing their teeth twice a day, making it to story time at the library every Tues morning, and you wake up early every morning and read the Bible....  and others where you roll with the punches so hard that you don't even know when the last time your kids brushed their teeth was, you let your kids watch a ridiculous amount of TV to have a little bit of peace, and you send your husband to work in dirty socks??

Seasons are just that... seasons. 

They come and go. 

You survive them, you rock them, you hate them, you love them. 

Sometimes the Lord takes us through seasons just to survive, He has something bigger for us that we cannot see. Oh, how I have begged Him to show me what's at the end, begged Him to please lift the blanket of sorrow and sadness so that I can see joy again.

2018 was a tough year on many levels.

Year 10 of marriage was tough. (holllaaa for year 11🙌🙌🙌) and a fresh 30 years on this earth left me in a place of wondering what even is this journey of life, marriage, and motherhood 

cuz it ain't always cool.

Per usual, the new year brings out the goals, the resolutions, and the changes; and its all so good, there's nothing better than a fresh start with the date of 1/1 and a brand new 365 days of endless possibilities. But I'm here to drop the brutal truth that as we ring in the new year, I am guarded and I have not let my mind wonder too far into the magic of a new year.

and I am whispering to myself that its okay.

If you're there too, if you're guarded, if you're coming out of a crappy year and hesitantly hopeful for 2019, join me in giving yourself time, grace and patience. If you don't have your diet plan, your mental health plan, and your debt-free plan in place and ready to go. 

I'm there too.

But remember:

YOU are most important for your husband

YOU are most important for your kids.

Take care of YOU first in 2019.

 I am confident the rest will fall into place.

Happy and blessed 2019!

"There's a goat in my kitchen...

and other tails from the Rosestead"

(pun intended)

would be the name of my book if ever I were to write one. Life is cray over here, y'all! I need to bottle it all up right at this very moment because I know these are the best days. 

A neighbor drove by our house the other day, said "Hi", and although probably not intending to, his next words stung me a bit as he commented on all that was going on outside.

There's lots of kids out here running around, riding bikes, jumping on the trampoline, falling off things, and playing tag... and there's babies that are helping me gather eggs, and 3 dogs in the back yard that bark at squirrels and birds and ducks, and the cat that likes to play on the trampoline and torture squirrels from the ground, and you'll almost always find our chickens running around, living their best life. 

They're all living a good, good life. They're learning the goodness of life. They're all fed, loved, kept warm, and there's a whole lotta LOVE and LIFE happening in our home. 

It's loud, its expensive, It's overwhelming some days, its beautiful, it's insane..... (and we need 300 acres out in the middle of nowhere to feed all these mouths, and raise all these babies) 

This is our norm. This is what Nat and I both dreamed about growing up. We found each other and made it happen. I hope that wherever you're at in life. Whether it looks similar to ours, or whether your life is the exact opposite, embrace it! Life is short. Life is sweet, we only get a few of "the best years" Take 'em by the horns and make the best of it. Live in the moment.

Things may not be rockin' and rollin' like you think they should (I've been there 🙋‍♀️) but this is it guys. 

You can't get that last minute back.

1 Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink, or WHATEVER YOU DO, do it all for the glory of God.

P.S. There really was a goat in my kitchen.

P.P.S. Thankfully our closest neighbors are my in-laws who love our crazy well, however, to the few neighbors who bought their house by the water as a nice, quiet retirement place, and to the one who thought it would be a good idea to have an Airbnb next door to us, I am sooooooooo sorry. 😬😬😂😂

P.P.P.S The guy behind all of it. My teammate and the one who makes sure we are well taken care of.

I looooove you.

Joy

Do you ever feel like something is repeatedly being brought up to you, and then you have a light bulb moment that its a little somethin' somethin' that you need to pay attention to??

Joy is that for me right now.
Joy from the left.
Joy from the right.
I get it.....

Confession time: If you were to look up melancholy in the dictionary, my face would be smack dab right next to it... 

the very opposite of joy = me
The legit definition: a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. 
🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

Back in the olden days, I remember taking personality tests and I always leaned ridiculously towards melancholy. 

And that's it.

No little tiny bit mixed with another, more enjoyable personality. 

Just melancholy.

On top of that, guess what my name means. 

Bitter.
(I forgive you, my parents.👏)

I have it comin at me from all directions and joy does NOT come easy to me. Sadness, depression, and pity come very easy to me tho. Matter of fact, I often find myself enjoying the game of melancholy… (I had to get that confession out early on in marriage so we didn't kill each other.🤗)

Have you guys figured out yet that my sweet, darling, angel husband is an always happy, annoyingly positive, joyful 24/7, kinda guy?? 
(Yes.... This is at the very top of the list of Why Nat and Mara are meant for each other.)

As we've grown to know each other better over the years, he has learned how to help me through these things. Most days, he spends 26 hours of his day making sure that I am okay, that I am happy, that I am taken care of. 

Its a(nother) full time job. 

(God bless him a little extra cuz... me)

But guess what? 

Its not his place to keep my happy, and its not my place to find my joy through him. Its so easy to do this as we have a physical being right here with us that we have such a deep connection with, someone that we can see, touch, audibly hear, and experience life with side by side. I am here to humbly tell you that 

I still ain't got this down. 

IT.IS.A.STRUGGLE.

The joy that he gives me goes away when he makes me mad. It goes away when my day is overwhelming. It goes away when I PMS (real life, yo)

The same goes for the joy my 4 little loves bring me.

The joy I get when I go sit outside with my chickens and enjoy fresh air.

The joy I get when I see my kids succeeding at life. 

Did God create all of these things specifically for us to have joy in our lives, yes, I 100% believe so.  Did God create my husband specifically with me in mind, to be used as a vessel though Him to help me on my hard days?

 You bet. 

BUT! 

we must do this right.

If you have to ask forgiveness 57 times a week for seeking joy in other things, THEN DO IT.

 If you have to lock yourself in the bathroom while kids run amuck to get yourself right, 

THEN DO IT. 

If you have to physically tell your husband, I love you more than anything, but I love my Creator more, and I find my joy in him, 

THEN DO IT.

Its my job to make sure that I don't find my true Joy in these physical things. But that I first find that in Christ, and my relationship with him. HE created me. HE gives me life. HE wakes me up every morning. HE provides for us. HE places the stars in the sky each night, and makes the sun to come up every morning.  HE does all good things for His pleasure. 
If we don't have true, deep, intense joy that comes from Christ, it so quickly will fade away.

Y 'all… I tried to paint the unpretty picture of myself at the very beginning so you can get the idea that when I say I aint got this down, I'm not even kidding. Like, I should not be here telling you how to find joy. 

What I am doing is encouraging you to come along side me in finding this Joy. 

True, deep, inner joy that cant be provided by a physical being, 

JOY that cant taken away. 

                                                                   Psalm 16:11

You make known to me the path of life;

 you fill me with joy in your presence, 

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

The horror

In full transparency (and with an added filter to glamorize it a bit,👌🤣) this is how we woke up this morning.


2 year old.

cereal bar squished into the bed.

crumbs everywhere.
My side of the bed completely disheveled  after a night of tossing and turning.

This fool came to our bed last night as he has done for approximately the past 947 (for reals, for reals... I just did the math) nights of his life. Give or take a few.

and CUZ I JUST WANNA SLEEP... I gave him everything he wanted. He coulda told me he wanted a pet lion and I would have given it to him.

All for the love of sleep.

My alarm went off, my eyes rolled with a little attitude after another long night and I got up to get ready for the day.... as I looked at the little devil sleeping slightly horizontal so that he can be sure and touch both his Mama and his Daddy, the cereal bar, the crumbs...I whispered to myself: 

someday the boy is gonna sleep. 

He's gonna sleep in his own bed. 

He's gonna make me soooo mad when he wont wake up and get ready for school. 

Someday his daddy and I will not be woken by the sound of little feet running to our room.

….and then I melted into a puddle cuz he's the cutest blonde headed thing that ever existed and I love him so much... and he can sleep with us whenever he wants. 

This is motherhood.
Feeling 2 things so completely at the opposite ends of the spectrum in the very same second.
P.S. This is the product of that sweet little "connection" you get breastfeeding and co-sleeping with that little bebe.
You've been warned.

Psalm 127:3

It has been approximately 11 years since I contributed anything to society. 

ELEVEN years. 

I've been sitting at home, **eating bonbons.

...and I deal with some major guilt over this. About every 2 months my poor husband (Mother Teresa himself) hears a big 'ol blobbery speech about how I haven't provided financially for our family, how our kids are noticing that Mama doesn't have a "job" and how I'm getting a job TOMORROW. 

My baby was starting kindergarten the next year, and I was figuring out what was next for this Mama who'd been home raising little ones for 7 years.... Then I did as I always do and 

I GOT PREGNANT.

and I was like hold up, Jesus. This wasn't what was "next" for me... and He was like, hold up girl, this IS what's next for you. I have one more being that I need you to give your all to, to love, cherish, teach and send out into the world. 

So, about every 2 months when I give my speech to my darling, not only does he remind me that this is what I wanted, but I can go get a job if I feel like that's what I need to do... but also precisely the next morning after the Lord gives me a sec to take a deep breath and re-evaluate my life, He reminds me what I AM contributing to society... and its more than anything else I could ever possibly do. More than the debt we could chip away at much faster. More than being around adults, and having adult conversations. More than feeling a tad more useful in this world than doing dishes, washing laundry, and wiping butts. 

These are my arrows. 

We are in the process of creating strong, sharp, effective arrows that one day their daddy and I will shoot off into this world. So I sit here, in my pj's still (a perk to the job 🤷‍♀️) my dryer just buzzed, the dishwasher is running, my 2 year old little angel boy is crawling all over me in between puzzles and cars, and my big 3 were sent to school this morning, covered in all sorts of prayers, and known that they are deeply cherished by their Mama and Daddy. Painful as it can be, we are slowly loosening the grip on those 3 as our "'job" shifts with each new year and we get closer to putting our first arrow in that bow. 

She's 10.5.

By all accounts we have about 8 years left until that major shift. 

That's scary.

But I can know that although I am not anywhere near perfect, I gave her my everything. That I will have given them each my everything. That the pain will produce goodness. That these looooooong days are truly just super short years. 

Although being a "stay at home mom" is such a simple task (HA!) I know that I will contribute 4 world changers to society and for me, that's bigger than anything else I could be doing.

This is my story.
My contribution to society may not look like yours. We need workin mama's, we need homeschooling mamas, we need mamas who keep businesses running smoothly, we need mamas who teach our babes that we send to school each day, we need mamas that will nurse our loved ones back to health. We need mamas who are providers.  

Don't ever look at your situation and compare it to mine....and except for every 2 months (hehehaha) I will not look at your situation and compare myself to you. It takes each and every one of us to make the world go round, so know that wherever your baby is, daycare, grandparents, babysitter, with their daddy who works opposite your schedule, Moms day out... wherever they are, they're loved, and they know their working mama loves them just as much as a stay at home mama.

and besides, 

Mama's rule the world!!!!!!!

Psalm 127:3-5 Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward for him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in ones youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

**Eating bonbon's:

-washing a million loads of laundry a week

-doing dishes 48 times a day

-changing diapers for years at a time

-potty training

-having bodily fluids on them at least 876 times a week

-packing lunches

-rising before the chaos to shower and have a sec

-reading to littles

-homework

-making dinner... (and not making dinner)

- grocery shopping

-kissing booboos

-disciplining

-making sure out of town trips go smoothly

- holding crying babies in the middle of the night

-spending 23 of the 24 hours in a day breastfeeding a newborn baby

-sleeping 3 hours after a long night and getting up and doing it all over again

-knowing each specific love language your child speaks

-filling sippy cups

-making sure bills are paid on time

-comforting sad hearts

-laughing at stupid jokes

-basketball practice x3

-dance class

-gymnastics

-teaching them to tie their shoes

- dentist appointments ever 6 months

-check ups every year

….and it goes on and on and on.

Oh, and somewhere in there we gotta make sure our husbands are taken care of... and we all know what kinda job that is 😉😉😉

ME & HIM.

Marriage. 

Specifically, the hard side of marriage.

Geez. Those movies we watched as teenage girls, dreaming and hoping and praying and wishing to have that. 

Y'all know what I'm talkin about... "that cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence world series kind of stuff" (10 points if you can name that movie)

Guess what? Sometimes he makes me wanna eat my feelings in a whole box of Oreos. and guess what else, some nights I sleep just dandy when I scoot to the very edge of our bed, facing the window cuz I don't even wanna know that he's there.

*Gasp*

Its true. 

We are so quick to portray perfection on social media. I mean, who wants to get on there, post that picture, slap it with a filter and caption it as "Day 8 of giving my husband the silent treatment. I love this man but I really do not even like him." 

I don't.

I don't wanna look back and remember the bad times, the hard time, the sad times. I wanna look back and remember the good. So that there is the ugliness of social media. Therefore, I needed to scootch on over here to let y'all in on reality. 

We got married when we were 18 and 20. We dated when we were 16 and 17. We were friends from age 15 and 16. So basically we've grown up together. I know every ounce of him, and he knows every ounce of me. 

That can be ugly y'all.

Fortunately for me, I married Mother Teresa in male form and he makes our marriage world go round (obviously Christ does, but understand what I'm saying here...) I should have him write this, because when he reads this, he's gonna laugh that I am giving marriage advice. ;) We have not always had the Ephesians 5:33, Love her and respect him thing down. But guys, when we do these 2 very big, huge, important things it all meshes together in perfect marriage harmony. When we get in the crazy cycle of selfishness, pride, and unforgiveness (keepin it real-100x me more than him 🙋‍♀️  ) 

ITS. SO. FREAKIN. HARD

 There's no one on planet earth that can make him as mad as I can... and no one who makes me wanna stab them more than he does. (I kid, I kid.)

We have worked our butts off to be who we are today, and for us to be here, in our 30's with 11 years of marriage under our belt and still somewhat annoyingly into each other. We've got a good God who loves marriage, and is for marriage; and I've got a good man who always wants to be better. Who loves me for the insane, hormonal, grumpy ride that I am. Who practices everything that he learns to better himself. Who loves me when I don't even remotely deserve it. He's bomb.com. I often think to myself how he is an Ephesians 5 man. He loves me so well, just as Christ loves the church. Just as  he is instructed in scripture.

I don't say any of this out of googoo eyes for my husband, cuz I can very honestly tell you that we are dredging our way out of a crappy few weeks.

Marriage is hard.

Marriage is painful.

Marriage is ugly.

Marriage is also amazing.

Marriage is so special

and marriage is worth all the hard work.

and I close with a little word from my Mama heart: 

As our kids grow, we are quickly learning that we have lots of little eyes watching us. If that's not incentive enough to do this marriage thing right, then I don't know what is.

Kiss in front of the kids.

Hug in front of the kids.

Speak gently in front of the kids.

Respect each other in front of the kids.

Love each other in front of the kids.

We are raising the next generation in an uncertain world. Be the place of certainty for those little eyes and ears.

**Also buy him a shirt about being a mistletoe tester and completely gross out your childrens by making them take a picture of you. 👌👌👌