Pain.

If you have kids, I am sure that you have experienced this kinda pain. Pain where your baby is hurting, and you can't fix it, all you can do is sit back and watch. Like when my girls get shots, I feel this pain, or when we were in the hospital with Payton and we had to sit and watch them stick her with an IV ten million times, or watch them put a catheter in her teeny, small little body. Personally, when I have to watch these things I wanna punch someone in the face. My blood boils, my heart pounds a little faster... and I'm sure my face gets a little red. Ever felt that way??

No one tells you when you give that sweet, precious, perfect little angel a pacifier when she is 3 days old that you would one day have to rip it from her inner beings and break her ever lovin heart into 14 billion pieces, and that you would hurt more than anything in this world watching your baby cry for her paci... and that it would be harder for you to take it away than it would be for her to adjust to a life with no soothie.

It has really been on my mind and heart that it was about time to take 'em away. Madelynn is EXTREMELY addicted to them, un-healthily I must say. My goal on a day to day basis is paci at nap and bed time... some days we can make it ... and other days are paci days.

I just woke up with this crazy feeling that today was the day to do it. My initial goal to take them away has been 2... but were not to terribly far from that (just trying to justify this). So I did some looking around online... looking for tips, stories, help as to how to go through the process. Probably was a mistake. Some moms think they should have 'em till they're 4, some moms take them away before they have the chance to become addicted to them... and some moms, like me, are worried about teeth, speech and a not to excited at the thought of their 4 year old walking around with a paci in her mouth. So as I read the many (some horror) stories and some (sickening) strategies like dipping the paci in hot sauce... sorry but that is plain 'ol MEAN.. and I am not going that route. I found myself having mixed feelings about doing this, or not doing this... and I found my heart breaking at the thought of it. (yes, I know that I am so absolutely ridiculous.. dont judge.)

I did it.... and I cried. (I know, I know... even more ridiculous) I just picked her up, told her we were gonna be done with paci's and that she was a big girl now and we were going to put the paci's up for her new baby brother or sister and one by one, we filled a baggie full of paci's and put them away... and she cried... and that was the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me wanted to say.. Here, take them. Take them all and hide them in your bed, you can have them forever... and the other part of me had to stay strong and fight back the tears and not give in. Then nap time came, oh my did nap time come and once again... I had to decide which way to go, give in or not give in. I didn't, and she (eventually) fell asleep. She made it through the whole day wonderfully without even asking for it. Then bed time came... and that feeling of weakness came back.. but I stayed strong and she cried for about 5 minutes and fell asleep. RELIEF!!!

We'll see how the night goes. If you would, seriously, pray for us!! This is hard... and I know that this is only a teeny tiny bump in the road compared to what we'll face raising this girl.

This makes so happy and so thankful that Payton doesn't take a paci! Oh lord... but I can only imagine what it will be like weaning the bottle from that girl... We got a few months till that has to happen.

Communication

Ok.. seriously, is there anything cooler than carrying a baby in your womb, giving birth and then watching her grow up??? It is the absolute most fascinating thing I have ever experienced. My little Madelynn is 20 months old and is catching onto communicating thing. One thing that I never thought of while doing childcare, or babysitting is that these little babies learned to talk at some point in life... and their momma's got to watch them blossom and learn new things.. like talking. I know I'm weird... but its just so awesome to me to watch my girl turn into a human being that talks, walks, runs, plays. She is not just a little bundle anymore, she isn't my little itty bitty baby that needs me every second of her life.

Anyways... so what got me going on this... Madelynn has been getting her molars for some time now and they are slowly but surely coming in... she has actually been rather pleasant just has had some disgusting, ronchy, make you gag, teething poop and she has been messin with her ears. I never thought anything of it.. rather than its just her teeth that are bothering her ears. Then last night, she was up a lot crying and holding her ears saying "ouch, boo boo, ouchie" She was telling me that her ears were hurting! What is more wonderful than when your baby tells you that they are hurting?? You don't have to guess around about what could be wrong with them like you do when they are infants. So first thing this mornin I called the Dr. office, took her in and sure enough, she has an ear infection in both ears!! I would have had no earthly idea had she not told me. She has had no fever, no runny nose, she has just been her normal 'ol self! I am excited that we can now talk to her and she can talk back to us.

Sleeping through the night.

Ever heard of it??? Ever experienced it?? Tell me bout it!!

Madelynn didn't sleep through the night till about 8 1/2 months... before that 8 1/2 months of not sleeping through the night, you have the last 2 or so months of the end of the pregnancy that your up every 2 hours or so to pee, re-adjust, catch your breath, or walk a leg cramp out... all that fantastic stuff that comes with child bearing. After Madelynn... what I considered "slept through the night" she was only up about 3 out of the 7 nights of the week. Not up for a bottle but just up screaming.. I honestly believe that she had(s) nightmares.. that seems to be the only reason as to why she still doesn't sleep through the night every single night of her life.

Payton is now 7 1/2 months and she still isn't sleeping through the night. It is wearing my ever lovin soul out! I CANNOT wake up in the mornings when the girls do. I seriously can't. I sleep through the screaming and "mommy, mom, mom, mama, MOMMY"! (thats Madelynn trying to wake me up.) I am sure that the fact that I'm pregnant again for the 3rd year in a row makes me just a little more tired than the average pregnancy would. I remember working with Madelynn when she was this age, desperate for her to sleep through the night, trying the paci over a bottle until she just get used to the no bottle thing ... but what do ya do when the kid doesn't take a paci?!?!?! Her bottle is her paci... her bottle is what puts her to sleep, her bottle is what soothes her when she is upset.

I guess I am just trying to figure out what to do with this girl. I have tried to go in there and pat her back to try and get her back to sleep... I have tried everything. Payton is the kinda girl that if you don't give her what she wants (bottle) when she wants it (2 O'clock in the morning) then she just gets louder and louder and louder... and then you walk out of the room out of her sight, to make a bottle, she goes insane and most of the time ends up waking up Madelynn. So basically I am in a lose lose situation because I can't just let her cry. I guess if we lived in a humongous house and the girls rooms were at opposite ends of the house I could just let her cry it out. But for now... all I can do is continue to wake up and feed her ever 4-5 hours and hope and pray that she will just start sleeping through the night. A teensie weensie break from night time feedings would be wonderful before it starts all over again!!

Wow!

Ok.. this is seriously long... and has a lot of pictures!! So grab a snack and a drink cuz you'll be here awhile. :)

We had a much needed, wonderful weekend full of fun, friends, family and memories... and of coure a couple of Easter egg hunts.

I have been lookin around at all the furniture stores in town tryin to find some new furniture that was affordable. When Nat and I were engaged, a couple we knew had offered us their furniture for a fantastic price. It was a huge blessing to us!! As you may know, getting married and trying to get a house together can be expensive! We have thoroughly enjoyed, and worn out those couches!! So on Friday, I went out with the girls to look at some furniture and kinda get an idea about what we wanted. When Nat got off, we headed out to a furniture store called Mattress America because we had been told that they were having a going out of business sale.. and boy were they. If you are looking for furniture seriously go check out what they got. We got our couches for $1100, originally $3200. They are nice, quality couches that will last us forever!!

This guy can back a trailer like nobodies business! It amazes me. Anyways.. that is beside the point... Got our new couches loaded. The owner guy was thrilled to pieces when we pulled up with a trailer.

Of course.. had to get a picture of the little ladies.

I am not a huge fan of leather... but the guy sold it when he reminded me of my small children and the messes that they make. I have already had so many --Thank you Lord that we bought leather couches... cuz if that would have happened on new, not leather furniture.. I would be soooooooo mad!!!!!!!!!- moments. So it is definitely growing me... another thing that I am not so much liking is the couch on the red wall!! I have a feeling we will end up re-painting it!! What do yall think??

We dyed eggs with the cousins, which turned out to be quite an event! We had alot of fun... although kinsey and I did most of the dying.... I read in a magazine an idea for small children to use a wire whisk. Just put the egg in there and let 'em go to town. Madelynn had alot of fun. We made lots of great memories that night!

This was after Jedd pulled off the blue... of all colors the darkest, deepest of them all, dye off the table!

and I can't help but to think this is adorable! Daddy's big 'ol t-shirt eatin a corn dog.

Saturday morning the girls and I went up to the nursing home where granny lives for an easter egg hunt for the kids. Madelynn woke up quite the little grouch.. but with the help from some balloons and a cookie, she lightened up and we had a great time hunting eggs! She is a pro!

Granny and Payton waitin for the kiddos to come hunt for eggs.

Granny looked so cute with her flower headband. Very springy!

Go Madelynn go!!

of course, she had to open the egg and see what was in it... and at times try to eat it before it went in the basket.

Pretty little girl. She loved playin with eggs.

Sometimes I look at these girls and I cannot believe that they are MINE! Ultimately, they belong to God... but for our time being... they are totally and completely my (and Nat of course) responsibility... and what an adorable gift they are!

Saturday afternooon, we met up with some good friends and went on a picnic and a canoe ride. It was the absolute perftect day to go on a picnic. We never even hit the park and Madelynn had the time of her life!! She ran and ran all over the place... and went on her first canoe ride which she loved! It was such a nice, fun day. Definitely gonna be doin that alot this summer!!!

Madelynn checkin out the water.

lunch time! Madelynn was in the middle of the blanket and kinda made her rounds and had her own little buffet lunch.

Nat would throw the Frisbee and Madelynn would run after it. She loved it.

Payton chillin on the blanket.

Grant and Madelynn

Canoe ride. Don't worry, she is not burned... just a little white girl who has been in the sun.

And last but not least, on Sunday, we celebrated Easter with our family. Can't beat having an awesome family and the time spent with them. Of course... as always, we wanted to take some pictures Sunday morning... but Madelynn wouldn't have it. Not sure what her deal is lately... every time I get my camera out and want to get a picture of her and Payton she goes ballistic! So this is what we got. I told her we were takin pictures even if she was crying in all of them. More memories I guess.

We can't ever get her to smile in pictures!

Isnt she lovely?? When I asked her to look at me so I could take her picture, this is what I got.

Best I could do.

me and my girls

daddy and his little ladies.

I did eventually get them together at church.

Our lovely growing family!

Egg hunt #2.

takin a break to put her feet in the pool. I have a feeling she is going to be quite the little fish this summer.

Payton and her special egg she found in Pa Pa's pocket.

precious picture. Madelynn and her best bud. (Micaela)

Cash and Madelynn by the pool. These 2 are becoming quite the pair!

Yesterday, after buying me new furniture, a new bedspread, and tons of other little things.... Nat surprised me with an Ipod touch!! I was so excited. He is such a sweet guy. My sisters got them for Christmas and I have wanted one ever since. I, still being stuck in the "dark ages" with my flip phone, no music playing devices, nothing touch screen... didn't think that I would ever need.. or much less get one. I have yet to sit down and play with it because I have been playing catch up all day with laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and going through and putting up the girls' winter clothes... and of course blogging... which as you can tell obviously needed some catching up. Now that I am done... I got a date with my Ipod.

Me...

In a nut shell: quiet, shy, introvert. Been that way since I can remember... and if you have ever been around me for more than 2 seconds, you can probably attest to this!! I remember the first time that I discovered I was so quiet and shy, I was in the 6th grade, we had been visiting around to some churches (we had recently moved to San Angelo) and we visited Paulann and my parents tortured me to go to Sunday School (not really.) So we went and we continued to go for many months, and eventually joined the church. These 3 really annoying girls (lol) would not stop trying to talk to me and befriend me until one day, I decided to give them a try. Little did I know that I made 3 of the best friends a girl could have.. and 2 of them happened to be homeschooled along with me. Years down the road, we were having a sleepover and they proceeded to tell me how they thought I was (literally... not even kidding) a mute! They thought I couldn't talk... for many months they thought this. They told me how our (then) SS teacher would push them and push them to talk to me and befriend me and they would tell her they tried and tried every week... but I just wouldn't give in to them. How ridiculous is that?? That is me, and that story has stuck with me ever since Jr. high.

Lord knows how I ever got a boyfriend... or even got married seeing as I never talked. Its a good thing that opposites attract cuz I had to have a talker to reel me in... and boy can he talk!

Anyways... Since I have been married and had kids, I lost a lot of friends. The only good friend I have is my SIL... and I am so thankful for her friendship!!!! Recently, I was invited to 2 social things. A group of just moms that get together and talk about mom stuff, and a book club. Ok... A- It is pure torture to associate with people I don't know. B- I cant talk in crowds.. especially if its people I dont know. C- If I am forced to talk, I turn beet red, began to sweat, my voice gets shaky, I get extremely nervous and feel like I am going to vomit. My stomach turns inside out and does back flips. I am making none of this up... it is honestly what happens and its haunted me my whole life. It is just a part of being (severely) shy. I pray every day that none of my children are as shy as I am.... and D- my husband, who is my voice, my security, the one who makes me feel ok with the way I am because he talks enough for the both of us was NOT invited. That is scary to me!! To be without him. So... I really thought long and hard about if I should go to these 2 social things and I decided that yes, regardless of what people will think of me, regardless of how torturous it is to be with people I dont know, I needed to go, get away from the kids and enjoy some time for myself and get to know people. Little did I know that I would thoroughly enjoy the time with other ladies who I have a lot in common with. I may not talk much, and people probably think that I don't even know how to talk. I honestly just love to sit and listen to people talk.. and thats what I do. If those people only knew how much their words were an encouragement to me.

I hope and pray that I can get to a point that I can talk and not be scared. For now, the first step is going out, by myself, to things like this... and I DID IT!! People have no earthly idea how hard it is to make that first step.. I am so proud of myself for just going and sitting with other ladies that I don't know. Other people can think what they want about me and how quiet I am... but if they only knew honestly what was going on inside me, they would be so very proud to.

***May this day go down in history, I said something nice and uplifting about myself. My dear husband would be so proud.

Clapping!!

This morning, the girls were just playing and I was sittin on the floor with them when I realized Payton was clapping right in front of me. When it finally dawned on me that that was new, and lets be honest, a big deal for us moms... I quickly grabbed my camera and got it. Madelynn really enjoyed showing Payton how to clap. It was a sweet moment.

Sorry that its blurry...not sure why my videos show up like that on here.

Shoe-ee

I am just writing this to remember all that is going on in our lives right now with Madelynn!! Not that she is at a milestone age, she is just doing alot developmentally right now. Madelynn is 20 months now... that means 4 more months till she is 2!!!!!!! Oh my word this can't be happening!! She cannot be that close to 2.... and my 20 month old still sucks on her paci... and we haven't even started pushing potty training.. no not me, not my child. This can't be. Never say never! I just gotta laugh at what I thought my child would be doing at the age of 2.

-Has 8 teeth, 4 straight across on bottom, and 4 straight across on top, and I felt today that her molars are coming through!! Two on the top.

-She is becoming her own little self with a teeny little attitude.

-Likes to crawl and she fake cries like baby sister to get some attention.

-Her favorite book is bible stories... we read at least 4 times a day.

-When we say our prayers at night, she bows her head, and says amen when she thinks the prayer should be over... and continues to say it until your done.

-loves, loves, LOVES shoes!! I have heard many a stories about me when I was younger and my love for shoes and how going to the shoe store was not fun with me. That is my little Madelynn! I still love shoes... I just can't and dont take the time to buy myself cute shoes for several reasons. 1) because my feet are ginormous from them growing with pregnancy... and I continue to be pregnant so they continue to grow. 2) They're extra wide.. just cuz I have very wide feet... so it is a pain in the rear to try and find myself shoes. So I don't, and I re-live my love for shoes through my daughters... hence the reason they have about 12 pairs of shoes each. Anyways... Madelynn calls shoes shoe-ee and when we get dressed in the morning, she is talking about her shoes the whole time and if you dont put her shoes on her in the morning, she throws a huge fit!!! So she wears shoes all day long.. and she picks them out.

-Knows how to use the remote and tries her hardest to get it to do what she wants to do... Usually gets frustrated and comes running to me with the remote saying uh-oh.

-She is putting words together well... her current favorite is no mommy.. not so much my current favorite.

-Does very well with a fork and a spoon.

-Decided one day that she was gonna go from the straw sippy cup (which she has used since she was 4 months old... and which I could never ever get her to transition to a real sippy cup from) since sister uses a real sippy cup.

-I think its safe to say that she officially can live off of one nap a day.

-Somedays she is mean to Payton, and some days they're the best of buds... I guess thats just part of being sisters... just didn't think it would show this early!!!

-Is getting alot better about people that aren't her parents.

-Still loves and adores her daddy.

4 months

My favorite time is when she's just got on some play clothes, and her tenny shoes with her hair pulled back in a pony tail. Of course... I love her when she's all dressed up and lookin cute... just when I see her relaxed, and playing thats the typical Madelynn in my head.